4 Concerns You Wouldn’t Understand if Your Name isn’t Alexa
When I was five, I constantly had to remind my teachers my name wasn’t Alexis. Alexa. A-L-E-X-A. I accepted it.
I accepted I’d rarely find my name on a crappy souvenir key-chain. Whenever I did manage to find my name, I’d beg my parents for that rubber sandal like I staked my entire identity on it. And to be honest, I felt like it was.
So why was I not thrilled about my name being associated with a robot?
- In the span of a few months, I went from no one knowing my name to everyone knowing my name.
I’m already socially awkward enough. I don’t need the barista to ask me what the weather is. I don’t want my Uber driver to comment on how I’m “famous.”
And I especially don’t need creepy dudes in my Facebook DMs asking me to “play Despacito.” Please. Send dick pics if you must sexually harass me. At least a little effort went into that.
2. People start a sentence with “Alexa” and expect results.
Amazon says, “Ready to help — Ask Alexa to tell a joke, play music, answer questions, play the news, check the weather, set alarms, and more.” Yet another unrealistic standard set by media.
Let’s get this clear: I am not functional enough to be a know-it-all robot.
Just because my name is Alexa does not mean I have answers. I avoid phone calls until I don’t have a choice. My jokes aren’t good. I haven’t left the house for 6 weeks. It could be a nuclear wasteland for all I know!
And if you ask me to remember something, it is as certain as Oedipus fucking his mother that I will forget it.
I’m sorry I can’t be her, okay?
3. Whenever I got a “What’s new with Alexa?” marketing email from Amazon, I’m never completely sure what they mean.
My Fitbit says it “comes with Alexa,” and lemme tell you, that’s the same lie my ex told me.
4. I’ve become an Entirely New Brand of Conspiracy Theorist
Being overtired makes a conspiracy theorist out of me, and I wonder what would happen if Jeff Bezos took those billions of dollars and copyrighted the name “Alexa.” Would I be forced to change my name? Would I be owned by Amazon? These are serious 3 AM concerns I need answered.
Laugh at me all you want, but Amazon has enough money they could probably do it.
Jeff Bezos would probably force Alexas out of existence before giving his employees a living wage.
Fellow Alexas, “At dawn, we rise against Amazon. Pass it on.”